Who is Coach Riggle?

Coach Riggle is our in-house high school football coach. And he is here to answer all of our writer submitted questions, to the fullest extend of his attention span. Have a question? Send it to us!

Dear Coach Riggle, can riding a horse break your Heisman?

Coach! You gotta help me! I met this wonderful girl! She’s all that and a bag of chips. There is one issue, Coach, her trophy is broken. She practiced dressage at a young age. I know this is true, I’ve seen the awards and medals, been to the track, been to the stables. I stared her horse right in the face. I’m not sayin’ she’s destined to be a trophy wife, fuck the patriarchy, but she’s the gal for me.

After crushing the season at ‘Bama, she won the Heisman! To celebrate, she decided to run some laps on her Mustang, and had a bit of an accident. Seems that...something happened and that coveted trophy is now in pieces. Once I learned about this attack on her purity, I can’t sleep at night! I toss and turn just thinking about it. What should I do, Coach??

Sincerely, Done Horsin Around

Look, Pony Boy. Her story is a pile of horse shit, flies and all. What, did she just fall off that horse straight onto that trophy? But you need to ask yourself, does it matter? Sure as shit wouldn’t matter for me. She sounds like the full package. Talented, beautiful, good with animals, and the best college football player in the nation. Look yourself in the mirror, and man up. Atleast she ain’t munching butt on TikTok for millions of views or handing out Pepsis to ‘solve racism’. Cherish her.

Coach.

Dear Coach Riggle: Why Do We Keep Running Spider 2 Y Banana?

I just don’t get it, Coach Riggle. I mean the name is funny, but we call this for 75% of our plays? Why can’t we just run in a straight line?

From, an Arachnophobe

Listen up Kiddo, if you can’t follow my drawings (I never did learn how to read, so this one might be my fault), I’ll explain it to you loud and clear. ‘Offense is the best defense’. I think Sun Tzu said that, atleast that’s what one of you boys read it to me from a fortune cookie after a broccoli and beef post-game meal. Hell, I’d run that play on the D-line if those fucking knuckle heads could read one of my play charts (again, reading is for children and bankers).

Second of all, this is the favorite play of Judas himself, Jon Gruden. And, this shouldn’t be news for you kiddo, I’m Jesus reincarnate when it comes to running high school plays. ‘Know thine enemy’. I think Machiavelli said that. Well, at least that’s what one of you kids read to me off the napkin that fell out of my cannoli after one of our post-game meals on the bus ride home.

Thirdly, just run the damn play. We ain’t 3 and 4 for nothing.

Hugs and laps, Coach.

Coach, do we have to kiss the Vince Lombardi picture everytime we leave the locker room?

That faded picture of Vince Lombardi says it has been hanging in the locker room since 1975, it says so on the plaque underneath the picture. The quarter inch thick layer of film that has accumulated on it over years from countless players kissing it every time we enter or leave the locker room cannot be safe. We can’t even tell who the picture is of anymore! Why must this disgusting tradition continue. WHY?

Love: Manuel with Mono

What in the H - E - Double Fucking Hockey Sticks did you just ask? Did you dare to question the tradition that my father set, while he was coaching at this great school? I’ll tell you what, that man never cleaned that picture. It wasn’t in the R I T U A L. And trust me, he left a LONG book of rituals that I follow before every game. Do NOT go into that cupboard next to my desk, lest you wish to be hexed.

Lombardi is an All American Patriot, he coached at West Point for christ sake. Removing that picture is not only an affront to our great school, but also our nation. You know half of the team’s fathers not only belong to the GOP, but also the NRA and the Chamber of Commerce. They’ll come down like a bag of hammers on me if even a whiff of that picture, or the American flag in the gym comes down. You know that if there is one thing I hate more than burlap sacks, it’s ballpeens.

I need you to listen very closely. Close your eyes, pucker up, and immediately use hand sanitizer on your lips like everyone else.

Get that dub, Riggle.