SAN FRANCISCO -- Whenever I turn my television on to watch gridiron its as though I'm making a call to an elderly person who is talking about the sock hops and soda fountains of yesteryear. Except is the deep intonations of vocal chords soothed by Boxtox brand botulinum. The seemingly deep yet actually shallow quarter-back based insights that TEPBJ gives are as useful as an aging father telling his 35 year old virgin son to just "go and talk to that cute girl over there", where the cute girl is really a hardily disguised prostitute. Except in this scenario it is a former high school star quarter back nodding off after the 7th PBR on a Thursday afternoon, with the occasional grunt of agreement to TEPBJ's nuggets of wisdom relating to "...never seeing a pocket more open outside of that time I dropped a fresh-out-the-microwave Pepperoni-flavored HOT POCKET brand snack on the floor." We see these thinly veiled Nestle product placements for what they are, TEPBJ, and we are disappointed in you.

For an instant I thought we'd see some form of the inner TEPBJ during the roast. Possible cracks would form in the semi-plastic exterior and some of that dim inner light would shine through. Alas, how mistaken we were. My hopes forever dashed when it was revealed you were hitting a water between every tequila soda.

Besides the point, we are fully supportive and quite frankly excited for TEPBJ's departure from behind the camera. He has a full schedule in-front of him: telling the H1H5 infested pigeons at the park about play-action passes, telling pre-teen girls walking by about faking to the outside, and yelling about how others need to learn how to speak the language if they're gonna live here. We salute you Tom.