SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- 5thQuarterSports finally answers the question: Can you have your cake and eat it too? Every sentient being on Earth has been asking this question since we invented the written word: Who is the NFL’s Biggest Birthday Boi? For all you DIRTY minded folks out there, I’m not referring to whos the biggest birthday Thicc Boi, which is if a chunky monkey is born on a Thursday. We’ve covered that extensively thus far. We shall cover that for the foreseeable future as well.

We want to see who performs the BEST on their birthday. We want to know which players DESERVE that 64oz. steak and bottle of Laphroaig on that big night. We’re getting to the bottom of this, the only way we know how. By querying our historic NFL database and building some fancy drawings. I tried to make something presentable with Crayola, but it looks pretty garbage if I’m being honest. So, these hot juicy graphs will have to do it for ya, and keep my drawing up on MeeMa’s ‘fridgerator.

Most Birthday Touchdowns

First up is the most obvious stat we could scrape together. That’s right, who touched the most downs.

Congratulations to Philip Rivers for crushing this one. Lucky for him, Brady’s birthday isn’t during the regular season. Thank Korean Jesus for that, because these graphs would be pretty predictable otherwise.

Most Birthday Yards

Next up, let’s see who gets down the field the most.

Well I’ll be damned. Philip Rivers is up there in first again. Putting in WORK, Rivers. You’ve weasled your way up to my second favorite ‘Rivers’, right behind Rivers Cuomo and just before Giroldo Rivera. You’re undoubtedly the NFL’s Biggest Birthday Boi.

But wait, we simply cannot leave without trashing a pro athlete who’s talent we can only dream of possessing.

Most Birthday Fumbles

We should take a quick look, let's see who loses the ball the most.

Biggest of oofs to Mark Sanchez. You appeared on the other two stats, you big beautiful bastard, so in my mind that cancels out these fumbles. It’s a mixed bag for you forsure my friend.