Cincinnati, Ohio

In what has shocked absolutely no one in the world, Joe Burrow was recently forced to publicly admit that he is indeed heterosexual. Back in December of 2024, Mr. Burrow’s residence was allegedly broken into while he was in Texas, playing against the Dallas Cowgirlsboys. It was initially unclear about the circumstances surrounding the break-in, including who reported it to the police. This comes after the NFL warned its players that there have been connections to organized crime syndicates and breaking into players’ homes while they were away.

A few days after the initial report hit the headlines, it was reported that it was indeed Mr. Burrows’ girlfriend at the time, Olivia Holzmacher, had noticed the disturbed residence and called the police to report the crime. Mr. Burrow had declined to comment on the situation before this breakthrough. Mr. Burrow’s love life had long been the speculation of many fans and rumour mills around the NFL. An anonymous source close to Mr. Burrow has revealed to 5th Quarter Sports that he has been deeply troubled about the public finally learning that he was indeed Heterosexual and had lost many nights of sleep over losing his mysterious, Metrosexual vibe. 

Many Cincinnati Bengals fans seemed very unfazed by the news of their star quarterback having a girlfriend. When asked for a comment, a random Bengals fan walking outside of the stadium after a devastating loss said “Listen, I really could give 2 cans of skyline chili about what he does in the bedroom. I…just…want…to…win.” The fan had a thousand yard stare, the one that your Uncle who fought in Vietnam does from time to time. It was quite disturbing to say the least, but what can you say, poor fellow lives in Ohio.

It is now rumoured that Mr. Burrow has indeed called off his relationship for unknown reasons, but our source says that Mr. Burrow was “deeply troubled” by Ms. Holzmacher actions in “forcing me to come out as Heterosexual.” No one is really sure what is going on or why Mr. Burrow seems to be so disturbed. Ohio needs to be studied for the mental torture its residents endure.