Las Vegas, NV – The Las Vegas Raiders have officially hired Pete Carroll as their new head coach, but not before being turned down by former coaching legend Tom Coughlin, who reportedly advised the team to "go find youth" before hanging up the phone. The Raiders, known for their unconventional decision-making and questionable draft picks, were all set to bring Coughlin, 78, out of retirement. That plan fell apart when Coughlin politely declined, adding, "I’m old, but even I know this team needs some youthful energy. Maybe someone who’s not thinking about their bedtime during the fourth quarter."

Raiders owner Mark Davis addressed the situation in a press conference Thursday, saying, "We thought Tom was a great fit for our organization. Turns out, he thought we’d be a better fit for, uh, literally anyone under 70."

Left scrambling, the Raiders pivoted to Pete Carroll, who, at 73, represents the youthful vigor the team was desperately seeking. "Pete’s young at heart," said Davis. "Sure, he’s been coaching since before color television, but the guy still chews gum like a teenager at a detention hall. That’s the kind of energy we need."

Carroll, who recently parted ways with the Seattle Seahawks, accepted the Raiders’ offer after what insiders are calling "an intense negotiation process." Sources say Carroll initially hesitated but was ultimately won over by Davis’ promise of unlimited Las Vegas buffet vouchers and a lifetime supply of Doublemint gum.

"I wasn’t sure at first," Carroll admitted during his introductory press conference. "But then Mark said something about building a dynasty. I’m pretty sure he meant a dynasty of wins, but honestly, with the Raiders, who knows? Either way, I’m in."

Coughlin’s comment about "finding youth" has since gone viral, sparking a wave of memes on social media. One popular post shows Davis Googling "young coaches" only to find a picture of Carroll wearing a backwards cap. Another depicts Coughlin handing Davis a mirror with the caption, "Here’s your youth problem."

Raiders GM Dave Ziegler weighed in on the decision to hire Carroll. "Look, Pete brings experience, enthusiasm, and, most importantly, he was available. We’re confident he’ll bring a fresh perspective—or at least fresher than Tom’s."

Critics have questioned the Raiders’ approach to hiring older coaches, with one ESPN analyst pointing out, "If the Raiders are serious about finding youth, maybe stop using AARP’s newsletter as your headhunting resource."

Carroll, however, seems unfazed by the chatter. "Age is just a number," he said with a grin. "Unless that number’s your win-loss record. Then it’s a big deal."

As for Coughlin, he has reportedly turned down several other NFL teams with similar advice. One anonymous league executive revealed, "Tom told us to hire someone who doesn’t remember dial-up internet. Brutal, but fair."

The Raiders’ first game under Carroll will be a preseason showdown against the Los Angeles Rams. When asked how he plans to prepare, Carroll replied, "First step: find my whistle. Second step: figure out how to coach in a city where slot machines outnumber people."

Only time will tell if the Raiders made the right choice, but one thing’s for sure—their coaching search will be remembered as a masterclass in chaos. Or maybe just a cautionary tale.

Stay tuned, because if this is the offseason, the regular season is going to be an absolute circus.