WASHINGTON D.C. – Trump’s reformed DOGE department has shaken Washington to its core. Headed by famously erratic billionaire Elon Musk, its sole goal is cutting what it deems to be wasteful government spending. From USAID to the Bureau of Consumer Protection, the slashes to the budget and staffing have been immediate and wide-sweeping. Next on the list: the Patriots’ cap space.

Musk took to X (née Twitter) late last night on an hours long rant, writing that a cap space of $120M for 2025 for the Patriots is egregious, insane, and “totally not based”. He has injected his team of seasoned, experienced 16-25 year old agents deep into the Patriots’ front office Excel documents, extracting players’ personal information along the way.

What does he claim is a better source of spend? Well, that depends. Talent retention, stronger retail presence, and a more capable coaching staff are all suggestions. He has lovingly referred to this as “CapX”, at the cringing of seasoned GAAP experts.

Robert Kraft emerged from a strip-mall med-spa to give 5thQuarterSports an exclusive quote, “Where am I?”

While Musk’s tactics are uncouth and potentially immoral, we’re curious to see what direction this takes the newly suffering Pats. Will this be the total collapse of the organization, or like a phoenix will it rise from its former self?